hot, hot, hot.

I couldn't think of a more summery title than "hot, hot , hot."

First of all, it's July. How could I ever go without blogging (when I have the opportunity to do so) about the first day of a new month? Especially the hottest month of the year.

I've noticed the heights that these walls, others like to call guards, have taken. You can even see it through the lines that form my daily blogs. It's hard just to get something from my point of view without having to decipher every metaphor or simile I use. I suppose this is my attempt at being 'personal.' Hot, hot, hot off the membrane.

[I feel excited. More excited than anxious, praise God. I feel as if I have this big box of newness in front of me, wrapped and handsomely adorned by bows of blessings. However, there are days when fighting myself drains every ounce of energy I have. "Do this, don't do that. Hang in there. Have hope." I feel as if in every battle I have no use for offense, but only to defend my spirit from the weaknesses of my flesh. I have to constantly be feeding my spirit, while emptying me of myself. I'm so damn tired of fighting, and there is no battle cry I can muster up to lighten the load sometimes. These "guards" are not going down anytime soon for I have decided long ago to build up before I can give up -- again. Thomas A Kempis burns eternally in my brain this very phrase, "There is no middle ground; our faith must be passionately focused on Christ or we become earthbound, caught up with concerns, pleasures, and friends who will inevitably fail us." That last line keeps me up sometimes. I always feel as if I'm the only one who sleeps at a loss on some nights... waiting for God to save me.

Save me from myself because even THAT I have to continue to fight. Thoughts that infiltrate and perverse whatever pure is left in there. Thoughts that continue to spell out ALONE when I'm actually being carried by my personal savior, Jesus Christ. Reflections that mimic physical flaws lying to me about what I really feel. Then there's the world to always tell you that you can't go on to tomorrow because there is no way you can afford to live then. I just have to remember: keep only what is necessary. God is your everything.

Once I've fought everything else to reach that conclusion, I find the strength to keep loving Him more than anything else - including myself. Till then, I guess I'll always just be so tired of fighting if it means fighting for Him.]

Maybe, if He wills it, I can grow my hair out again for a friend.