helLOW, world.

i am at a loss right now. it's been so long since i've felt alone (which is stupid because i know i'm not) and so afraid. why?! i don't know, but my reasons for protecting my heart, myself have been so stupid and petty. my fear of getting hurt again is slowly sentencing me to a lifetime in boringlife prison.

i feel so divided within myself. i feel like i'm constantly at a battle because i am too stubborn. i am not willing enough to trust God to take the wheel. i am always at this loss because i know i CAN'T do it on my own, yet i insist on doing so. i'm just so afraid to give of myself, afraid to let go, let God and just live.

i remember years back how i decided to leave the decision-making up to God, to live life with no regrets (as cheesy and teenager-like as that sounds), and to always have an optimistic point of view because that's what faith is... knowing that it will all be okay in the end. isn't it? but now i ask myself how the hell i ever let myself crawl back into this hole of fear? living life behind unsaid words, unmoved feelings, and this simple fear of getting hurt.

I'VE BEEN SO STUPID. avoiding getting hurt is like avoiding death. it's abso-freakin-lutely inevitable. so why do i do it? i don't know, because like i said... i've just been so tired of getting hit for doing something what i thought and think is right. i've just been so blinded by my idea of perfect people and perfect reactions to imperfect situations. i just ASSUMED that everyone lived by the holy golden rule. and when i realized i was alone at this most of the time, i was disappointed. i held people who walked out of my life to such a high standard to where it just really hurt me. and i began to lose hope.

the way i've been protecting myself has been so unreasonable and i pray that anyone who is doing so is careful with how they lead their heart. no one should ever feel locked out of it, so don't be afraid to LOVE. you will find people who aren't willing to accept what you give them, but realizing what it means to really love others will be your greatest reward.

i guess, one thing i've forgotten was how to love myself. i no longer didn't know how to love myself, therefore i didn't know how it really felt like to be loved.

imagine a dirty cup of water*, when you empty it out, hooray, no more dirtiness... but it's empty, you're not new, you're nothing and you have nothing. LOVE YOURSELF and see your cup overflow... just enough for all to partake in.


*richie bonifacio's analogy, not mine. HA